I almost walked a mile in the shoes of a spider. but they don't wear shoes, and I didn't want to walk a mile.

Ok, real quick, we are rewinding back to a few days ago.  There was a spider in my bathroom that died.  He was a decent sized spider and he was all curled up by the garbage can.  I can't deal with live spiders let alone dead ones.  (There had to have been some sort of traumatizing experience early in my life for my phobia to be at the degree it is.) So I left the spider there, hoping Landon would see it and take care of it for me.  The next day it was still there.  And I was 100% aware of it there entire time I'm in the bathroom getting ready.  I left the bathroom to pack my lunch and came back about ten minutes later to brush my teeth.  I look down and the spider had moved about 8 inches. I knew that I hadn't kicked it on accident because I was watching every second I moved my feet.  I noticed it looked a little different so I crouched down to get a better look from a reasonable distance.  And, you know, blow on it... Make sure it was really dead.  And BAM! ANOTHER(!) Spider crawled out from under it and skittered away.  I almost lost it. Scared the living crap out of me.  But I have to be quiet because it's 5:30 am and Landon is asleep and the family upstairs is asleep, so I'm jumping up and down with my mouth wide open making a whisper scream. Pathetic, right?  I named it the Phoenix Spider.  Because it looked like a new one rose from the ashes of the old one.  Except, I'm pretty sure it was just dragging it away to eat it. sick. sick. sick. sick. sick.
But then I was on Pinterest, looking through my humor board, and I found my "Misunderstood Spider" memes that I like because I feel like I am rationalizing my fear.

I think I'm guilty of all these.  With the misunderstood spider in mind, I tried to put myself in his perspective.  That spider was about 1 centimeter tall.  I'm 6 feet tall.  So if we were going put me in the spider's shoes, then I would be up against a being that is a whopping 1,098 feet tall.  That's like, almost two of the St. Louis Arch.
that's huge.  
And then I imagined living in the den, or what have you, of said 1,000 foot beast and trying to stay under the radar.  But oh no, your dad goes to get something from the bathroom, maybe some hair to make a new bed or something and is maced to death by hairspray.  You watch his body lying there on the floor for days.  Finally, the giantess leaves the bathroom to make a lunch, you seize the moment to drag your dad's body to your little nook.  But- she comes back earlier than you had anticipated and suddenly, you're face to face with her.
And then she starts blowing on you with gale force winds sending you flailing across the tile.  You run with all your might as she is screeching at deafening decibels and jumping up and down and causing an 8.9 earthquake. 
Probably the most terrifying thing one could experience.  Traumatizing enough that the spider hasn't come back and the dead one is still there.  I won't lie to you, I felt bad for the spider I probably scared close to death.  I wish he would come back and get his dad spider.  Even if he is going to eat him.
But when it comes down to it, nothing has changed.  I will always be paralyzingly scared of them.
And if I can kill them with Lysol disinfectant or my really expensive hairspray? 
I will.  

8 comments:

  1. I loved this post! I am beyond terrified of spiders- The other day I picked up my Chambray shirt to put away and there was a baby spider on it. Which is almost worse because if it's a baby.. there certainly has to be more.
    GROSS!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh girl you make me laugh so hard! I loved this. Thanks for your greatness everyday!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really like your blog dear!
    Keep up with the good work! :)

    XO

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't understand your math, but giantess is my new favorite word. Also, misunderstood spider is hilarious. But I will kill those monsters without a second thought.

    ReplyDelete
  5. my murderous tool of choice is the hair spray. because i can stand far away.
    there is currently a huge spider hanging above our front door light.
    he/she/it is HUGE. and i have watched it consume over the course of 2 days... about 3 flies.
    he/she/it is going to eat me next. so if i disappear. its the misunderstood spider outside my house.

    ReplyDelete
  6. hahahahahhhahahahahah this story is MY LIFE!!! Those damn things might as well be ax-murderers. I LOATHE them. That's one of the only perks of living in an apt, spiders dont usually liking hiking up three flights of stairs..

    ReplyDelete
  7. At work, I have to "liberate" the spiders, because one of my co-workers can't stand to see them squished, and calls me a murderer. At home? They get the shower spray. I'm a spider murderer. There... I said it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh my gosh this made me laugh SO HARD!!! You are awesome! hahaha.

    ReplyDelete

No need to stalk in silence, leave a comment.
do it.

There was an error in this gadget