The Time I Had an English Speaking Spider in my Bathroom

So, I've been saving this story for when I had nothing else to talk about.  And it's a good one.

Last Monday, I woke up at 3 AM because I had to pee. I went into the bathroom and there is a spider on the baseboard next to the toilet.  I didn't notice it until after I had done my business or else I probably would have just held it until I could justify waking up Landon to come kill it for me.  It kinda freaked me out, and I ran back into my room.  Then, I got up a few hours later to get ready for work and the spider was in the same place.  I knew he wasn't dead though, because he was on the wall.  I'm pretty sure dead spiders can't stay on walls unless they were squished and their guts were holding them there. 

So I skittered past him and jumped in the shower, did my hair and make up and left, all the while the spider just chilled there. I got home from work and you guessed it, spider was still there.

Another day passed and the spider still sat there, content on his little baseboard.  We were going somewhere that night I can't remember, but I told Landon while we were getting ready, "Babe, that spider has been in that same spot for the last 24 hours and hasn't moved."  He grabbed the toilet paper as a natural reflex when I tell him I found a spider, but I was like, "No! If he is just going to chill there, then you don't have to kill him.  Just let him hang out, if he starts moving around, then you can kill him."  Landon looked at me like I was nuts and said, "Who are you?" But he left the spider.

Fast forward 4 days. 
It was on Saturday and Landon was in the shower getting ready for work and I was brushing my teeth and I was like, "Babe, that spider is still there.  What if he is a really smart spider that can understand English and now is terrified to move because I said you could kill him if he moved?" And Landon was like, "Then that would be a really smart spider..." and I was like, "actually no, if he was a really smart spider, he would just wait until we were gone and then he would leave."

Then I took Landon to work and I went snowboarding.  When I got home?
The spider was gone.


  1. hahahahaha
    this is the best freakin story ever! i just died laughing! thank you thank you!!

  2. You know he's probably now hiding in your closet because he's afraid you all are going to attack him. Way to go. You just caused covert operation slider gate.

  3. The spiders in our office totally understand English too. We have the same spiders every winter, and they are totally chill. Probably because one of the girls in the office calls us murderers if we squash a gnat. They know that they have it made in our office.

    Just know that the spiders will now chillax at your place all the time. You gave an inch.

  4. Whitney, I love the story! I found your blog through Brani's "that's just lovely" blog and decided to check you out. So hilarious! I am your newest follower and would love it if you checked out my blog!

  5. Hahaha this is great!
    I hate spiders so much but that is one smart spider.

  6. Hahaha!!!! Hilarious!

    You should've killed him when you had the chance. I'm telling you.


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