Caught with my Pants Down

It was my birthday last week!!  I remember all growing up thinking that adults were out of their minds for not being excited about their birthdays, but I kind of felt it last week.  It completely snuck up on my and I realize that being 26 isn't even remotely "old", but I wasn't stoked to jump the fence to the other side of 25 if I'm being totally honest.  It was just a passing thought in my mind on Wednesday morning as I took my joint-cushioning supplements for my achy knees.  But moments later was slathering acne medication all over my teenager troll face and I yelling, "HOW OLD AM I REALLY?"

The jury is out on this one folks.

I'm definitely not old enough to think things through all the way, though; I can tell you that much.

You know this is heading towards a story, right? Good. 

Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays (sometimes) are my running days.  It was 90 degrees last Tuesday and I decided I would go for a trail run instead of my usual route around town.  My reasoning behind it was that there would be much more tree cover and I wouldn't be so hot.  Which, was true about a mile into the run.  I usually mountain bike this particular trail, so my brain was calculating time and distance from a bike's point of view and I was hot and tired running up that first mile into the hills.  There weren't any clouds and the incline was steeper than I remember, so I was chugging the water from my Camelbak like crazy.  Once I got into the trees things got a lot nicer.  It was cooler, it smells amazing, the trail levels out and varies in climbs and descents, it's great.  For some reason, though, I thought the loop I was on was only around 3 miles long; it wasn't.  And I realized that when I hit 3 miles and was still high up on the mountain side.  An extra two miles really isn't a big deal for me, that's not what was starting to worry me.  What was starting to worry me was that I still had two miles to go and I really had to pee.  It was all downhill the rest of the way though, so I pressed on while I told myself I'd be to a bathroom in no time.

Well, the downhill did make me go faster, but it also was bouncing my bladder much more aggressively.  I had about 3/4 of a mile left when I was like, whatever, I'm just going to go here.  I'm no stranger to peeing outside; I'm actually quite good at it.  What I didn't want to do was climb off the trail into the thick brush to squat down and go.  I had been on the trail for over four miles and I hadn't seen anyone the entire time, so I figured I'd just step on the trail about a foot and go real quick.  Once I had drained the ol' bladder, I was about to stand up and go on my way when I happened to look downhill and to my dismay made extremely uncomfortable eye contact with an old man hiking up the trail.  I froze in the squatting position like a deer peeing in the headlights, shorts and underwear STILL around my ankles, before my instincts kicked in and I jumped up.  I pulled my shorts up and I took off back up the mountain, hoping beyond all hope that I wouldn't have to interact with this human who just witnessed me in the most vulnerable position ever.  After about 30 seconds of a pure adrenaline-induced sprint UP HILL, I realized I wasn't not going to be able to run like that the entire 4 miles back.  I was too tired and my knees were starting to hurt (curse them)!  I made a split second decision and dove off into the thick brush and army crawled under the branches and through the mud until I was sure that I was out of sight.  I stayed crouched to the ground and tried to keep my breathing as quiet as possible.  Just as I could hear the old man approaching, my mom started to call me on my phone and I scrambled to answer it.  "....Hello?" I whispered to her, "What are you doing?"  She asked me.  "I'm hiding."  I'm sure it sounded like I was in a horror movie or something.  Especially because I went silent after that because the old man was walking past me at that moment.  I stayed frozen and quiet for a few more seconds until I explained to my mother that I was hiding because an old man caught me peeing off the trail.  She laughed at me uncontrollably and I tried to keep my laughter quiet as I crawled out of the trees.  I was bleeding and covered in mud, but at least I was safe to continue on my way back down the trail.  And at least I didn't have to pee anymore.

I'm sure my mother is proud of me.

I'm the Worst Wife

I continue to put off blogging because we are so busy right now, but I need to get this story written down because it's gold.  As I mentioned a few posts back, mine and Landon's 5 year anniversary was on the 24th of June, and I got him the best present ever.   When I bought it, though, I had no idea that it was going to send him into depression.
Let me elaborate.

Last summer, Landon's brother took his dirt bike out on a quick ride and while he was on it, the top end blew up.  It was going to be a grand to get it fixed and we didn't have the money up front, so Landon spent the next six months saving up for it; which is why we haven't been dirt biking in such a long time.  Well, he finally got it in the shop and all put back together.  He even got some upgrades that made the bike a lot faster and worth more.  However, the guy who fixed it told us that as far as he knew, the bike checked out.  He said everything was working perfectly, but he couldn't see the damage done to the bottom end from last summer without splitting the case.  He told us the bike could last for another seven years, or it could blow up on it's next ride; there really was no way of telling.

I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to bike repairs, especially with that bike.  Landon has put more money in that motorcycle than he originally paid for it.  I told him that if something could go wrong with it, then it would.  We agreed that it would be best to sell the bike in it's current state while it had a clean bill of health rather than risk blowing up the bottom end and being out another two grand.  And then once it was sold, he could buy a new bike with the money he made.

Landon was all over that idea and happened to find his dream bike in the classifieds that week.  His dream bike being a 2016 YZ 450 FX.  This particular dirt bike also had a Rekluse clutch and a stabilizer on the handle bars which together was about two thousand dollars of add-ons that the seller wasn't adding to the price of the bike.  Landon called me excitedly saying that it was the only 450 FX for sale in the classifieds in the country and the guy lived in Heber and he was going to see the bike that morning. I was a little hesitant because this motorcycle had only eight hours on it, so even though it was technically "used," it was essentially brand new and a little bit more expensive than I was hoping for.  I told him he could go look at it, but it was something we really needed to think about before buying.  He agreed.

A couple hours later, he called me and it was clear that he had fallen absolutely in love with the dirt bike immediately.  He told me that he had a plan where his mom was going to give us the cash for the bike, and then we could take a loan out on the title so that we could finance it and pay his mom right back.  His plan was brilliant and I could hear the eagerness in his voice as he begged me to let him buy it.  He said it was an amazing deal and it was everything he ever wanted in a dirt bike.  I told him I still wasn't sure and to let me think about it and I would let him know by the end of the day. 

As soon as I hung up the phone with Landon, I found the ad in the classifieds and called the man.  When he answered the phone I said, "Hi, my husband was just at your house and took your dirt bike for a test drive."  He was like, "Oh yeah, what can I do for you?"  And I was like, "Well, our anniversary is next week and I think it would be the perfect gift, so I would actually like to buy the bike from you, but if he calls you back, will you tell him you sold it to someone else?"  He laughed and said, "He isn't going to be very happy with me."  And I said, "Yes, well, either you tell him you sold it, or I have to tell him he can't buy it and I'd rather you be the bad guy instead of me."  He laughed and agreed that was probably for the best.  I told him I would be by that night with a deposit and I would get the rest of the cash to him when we came to take the bike for good.  Then, I called my dad and asked if I could borrow the rest of the cash and I'd pay him back immediately; he was happy to oblige.

I had everything worked out; the bike was secured, I had a plan to give it to him at a BBQ at his mom's on our anniversary, everything was good to go.  Everything except Landon.  I knew going into it that he was going to be bummed; I figured he get over it though and continue the hunt for a new motorcycle.  I didn't realize that I was going to destroy him. I didn't really give him an answer that night when he asked if I had thought about it.  I was really vague and I thought he would just forget about it all together.  Well, the next morning he called me and asked me how I was.  I said, "Fine, how are you?"  and he goes, "Not good."  And then I got all worried, and I asked what was going on, and he goes, "He sold it to someone else." And I had no idea what he was talking about, and I was like, "Huh?"  And he was like, "The dirt bike.  The guy sold it to someone else!"  Immediately relieved and somewhat entertained, I was like, "Oh my gosh, are you serious?  That's too bad!"  And then he started going off about how he should have called him last night and he couldn't believe that he let that deal slip through his fingers.  He kept going back and forth from really angry to completely devastated.  I should have cooled my jets, but I egged him on a little more and said, "The guy didn't even call you to give you a chance to buy it?"  And he goes, "He said he couldn't remember which phone number was mine and the other guy offered him full price."  And I'm like, "Oh that sucks.  We'll just have to keep our eyes out for another one like it."  And he was like, "There isn't another one for sale like it!  That bike just came out this year, there isn't another used one for sale in the country.  And that one had the Rekluse and a stablalizer! I won't find another deal like that ever again."  By then I started feeling a little guilty.  I was like, "Well, maybe we can find another bike that you'll like." And he says that he doesn't even want another bike because it won't live up to that one.  He told me he was just going to keep his dirt bike he had and hope it wouldn't blow up again. 

I tried to change the subject and ask him how the rest of his morning was going; I still hadn't quite grasped the extent of his heartache.  He didn't have much to say and it started to sink in that I had possibly ruined his life; at least for the next seven days until I could give it to him on our anniversary.  I told him, "I'm so sorry babe, I feel like this is all my fault."  I was starting to understand how sad he was, but I still couldn't say that without having to stifle a giggle.  He assured me it wasn't my fault, but then told me he had to go because he couldn't talk about it any more.

The rest of the week followed suit.  There wasn't a day that passed that he couldn't talk about what an special bike that was, and how he wouldn't be able to get that bike with all it's upgrades for that price ever again.  He couldn't shake the sadness and each day that passed I felt like a horrible wife for bringing such heartache upon my husband.

Finally, Friday came.  I had butterflies all day at work and could barely wait to get up to his mom's house.  He thought we were just crashing the her work party she was hosting and that we were going to celebrate our anniversary the next day at the Slip n' Soar.  When we got up there, his brother and his wife told him that our niece, Abby, wanted us all to go jump on the tramp with her.  Landon was reluctant to follow because he wanted to swim, but after much coaxing, we got him over there.  I told Landon I had to go to the bathroom really fast, and I ran off.  I went behind the big garage where the motorcycle was hidden and got on it.  I started it up and drove it up the grassy hill above their backyard and rode it down to the trampoline.  Landon was standing there with a smirk on his face.  I will be honest, I was anticipating a much larger reaction from him.  According to him, he was in shock as he watched me ride down the hill.  When I pulled up next to him, he bent over and saw the Rekluse casing on the bike and he looked back up at me and said, "So you're the one who bought it out from under me."  I was laughing so hard, and yelled, "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!" As I hopped off of it so he could get on it.  He just kept shaking his head and laughing, "I can't believe you bought this."  I told him it was the hardest secret I've had to keep in my entire life, and I felt so bad the entire time, but I don't know how much he believed me with the huge smile I couldn't wipe off my face. 
 
About an hour passed and I went out to the garage to find him there with the bike putting his number plate on it, and by then the initial shock had worn off and he was starting to freak out that he was the owner of his dream bike.  He would go back and forth between hugging and kissing me to fondling and gazing at his motorcycle.  And I think I've been told that I'm the best wife in the world enough times to last us to our ten year anniversary; which is good, because I don't know that I'm going to be able to top that present for awhile, if at all.
He spoiled me, too.  He gave me a pair of yellow shoes that looked like my favorite yellow shoes I wore to death over the year that we dated.  He got a new and substantially comfier bike seat for my mountain bike.  He bought me a new pair of dirt bike boots that are black and hot pink and look amazing with the rest of the gear he bought me a couple years ago.  He got me a new silver ring to replace the one I recently lost at one of the pits I was getting samples at.  And on top of all of that, he upgraded the diamond on my wedding ring.  I mean, come on.  We both made out like bandits on this anniversary. Here's a good look at those new boots I so desperately needed.  Landon has incredible taste.

And in other news, we have no money.

JUST KIDDING.  But above all of the gifts- the motorcycle, the boots, the rings and the diamond- the greatest gift Landon has ever given me is his love.  He is the most incredible man I've ever met and every day with him is an absolute fairy tale.  I still cannot believe that I found someone so perfect and I thank God every day for bringing him to me.  He is my whole world.




Humilated Quasimodo

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Is this thing on?

Hey guys.  Cannot believe that June has come and gone so quickly.  I think I mentioned in my last post that I was temporarily relocated to a lab twice as far from home as normal; well, I'm still here.  And between that commute, going to the gym, cooking dinner and trying to stay caught up with the Bachelorette, blogging has been put on the back burner.

But I have so many stories to tell from my absence!  Like, how I am simultaneously the best and worst wife ever, the Slip n' Soar, and how the CFO of my work walked into my bathroom stall while I was using it at our big town hall meeting.

I know out of those three, you want to hear about the last one the most, don't you?

Well, I've got a couple minutes, I guess I could type that one out real quick and die of embarrassment a second time as I relive it and immortalize it on the internet.  Last week we had our annual "Town Hall" meeting where the CEO and CFO of our company comes and speaks to us about the strategic plan of the company, our upcoming jobs, finances, among other riveting topics.  Well, I drank a lot of water on my drive down there and didn't anticipate the meeting lasting longer than an hour so I didn't use the restroom before hand.  Fast-forward two hours and fifteen minutes to me nearly peeing my pants and making a beeline to the bathrooms the second we were dismissed.  I was in such a rush that I didn't realize my stall door didn't lock all the way when I shut it and twisted the little switch.  I was mid-pee when the CFO swung my stall door open and we made the most awkward eye contact in the history of the human race before she managed to say, "...uh- SORRY." as she spun around and ran away WITHOUT SHUTTING THE STALL DOOR BEHIND HER.  So I had to waddle, hunched over, to the door (because I was in the handicapped stall) with my jeans around my knees resembling what I can only describe as a humiliated Quasimodo to try to close it without making eye contact again.  I then waited in the stall until the next one was free for her to occupy and I could make my escape.

I've contemplated quitting my job several times since then.

I'm sure she has too.
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