When Things Just Didn't Go As Planned

You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you've I've started and restarted to write this post in the last few weeks, but it's never felt right.  It's a slow night though, and I'm going to power through it.  I think a part of the problem is that I've been waiting to be able to say that I love my job and everything is going great.  But if I'm being honest, that's just not how I feel.  I am 99.9% sure no one at my job has figured out that I have a blog, so I feel safe airing out my feelings here.  Writing it all down is therapeutic and it helps me process the ball of emotions I'm feeling; that's why we all do it, right?

Well, I don't love my job.  It's been the cause of a lot of anxiety and frustration.  I had extremely high hopes when I took this job and said goodbye to the lab.  I'm not saying that I regret it, because I don't.  I need this job for school and it truly has been a learning experience for me.  But dude- it's been the cause of a pretty brutal emotional roller coaster.  I was telling my mom that when the nights are good, they're really good, and when they are bad, they are almost unbearable.  And unfortunately, the feelings I have when I have a good night don't outweigh the bad ones.  My paychecks are phenomenal, and I've been the top marketer this month, so why do I find this job so upsetting?

A big part of it too, is the schedule.  I think I talked about it in my last post about how all my free time is in the mornings when everyone is at work.  I'm missing out on a lot of things because I'm at work when everyone else is not.  I had to work on the 4th of July and on my birthday, and even though I requested Labor Day weekend off 4 months in advance, I still haven't heard if I'm going to get it or not.  And that's just not okay for me.

I think if I could get the time off I wanted and have my evenings and weekends like I was used to, then the up and downs of sales wouldn't weigh on my like it does.  But between me being on my own a lot as of late and then having some rough nights here and there, it's really bringing me down.

I hate how I sound when I say any of that out loud or typing it on my computer.  I hate feeling this way about my job.  I don't have kids, so aside from Landon, my job is my life and I just don't feel like these are the feelings I should have about a place I spend so much of my time at.  I shouldn't have anxiety on my commute to work, and I shouldn't have to occasionally take my lunch break behind the building so people can't see me fighting off tears when the night is beating me up.  And most of all, I should not have to beg and plead and sacrifice every other day I would want to take off work in hopes that I get Labor Day weekend off to go on the first vacation I've had with my side of the family in nearly a decade.

I'm glad I took this job, because if I had let it pass I probably would have had to skip a semester and I would always wonder what it would have been like, but I cannot wait to find where I'm supposed to go next.  I know that I am good at sales and marketing and I've learned a lot about myself, but most of all I have learned exactly what I'm looking for in a career and that just isn't going to be found here. 

Maybe send up some prayers or good juju that I am able to move forward and find my place in this world.

Thanks guys, you're the best.
<3

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