When Things Just Didn't Go As Planned

You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you've I've started and restarted to write this post in the last few weeks, but it's never felt right.  It's a slow night though, and I'm going to power through it.  I think a part of the problem is that I've been waiting to be able to say that I love my job and everything is going great.  But if I'm being honest, that's just not how I feel.  I am 99.9% sure no one at my job has figured out that I have a blog, so I feel safe airing out my feelings here.  Writing it all down is therapeutic and it helps me process the ball of emotions I'm feeling; that's why we all do it, right?

Well, I don't love my job.  It's been the cause of a lot of anxiety and frustration.  I had extremely high hopes when I took this job and said goodbye to the lab.  I'm not saying that I regret it, because I don't.  I need this job for school and it truly has been a learning experience for me.  But dude- it's been the cause of a pretty brutal emotional roller coaster.  I was telling my mom that when the nights are good, they're really good, and when they are bad, they are almost unbearable.  And unfortunately, the feelings I have when I have a good night don't outweigh the bad ones.  My paychecks are phenomenal, and I've been the top marketer this month, so why do I find this job so upsetting?

A big part of it too, is the schedule.  I think I talked about it in my last post about how all my free time is in the mornings when everyone is at work.  I'm missing out on a lot of things because I'm at work when everyone else is not.  I had to work on the 4th of July and on my birthday, and even though I requested Labor Day weekend off 4 months in advance, I still haven't heard if I'm going to get it or not.  And that's just not okay for me.

I think if I could get the time off I wanted and have my evenings and weekends like I was used to, then the up and downs of sales wouldn't weigh on my like it does.  But between me being on my own a lot as of late and then having some rough nights here and there, it's really bringing me down.

I hate how I sound when I say any of that out loud or typing it on my computer.  I hate feeling this way about my job.  I don't have kids, so aside from Landon, my job is my life and I just don't feel like these are the feelings I should have about a place I spend so much of my time at.  I shouldn't have anxiety on my commute to work, and I shouldn't have to occasionally take my lunch break behind the building so people can't see me fighting off tears when the night is beating me up.  And most of all, I should not have to beg and plead and sacrifice every other day I would want to take off work in hopes that I get Labor Day weekend off to go on the first vacation I've had with my side of the family in nearly a decade.

I'm glad I took this job, because if I had let it pass I probably would have had to skip a semester and I would always wonder what it would have been like, but I cannot wait to find where I'm supposed to go next.  I know that I am good at sales and marketing and I've learned a lot about myself, but most of all I have learned exactly what I'm looking for in a career and that just isn't going to be found here. 

Maybe send up some prayers or good juju that I am able to move forward and find my place in this world.

Thanks guys, you're the best.
<3

2 comments:

  1. I'm doing a reflection post for tomorrow, August 17th, and I mention you in it and how our paths crossed in blogland, which inspired me to stop by your blog again, I'm trying to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers!

    I read this post, and it resonated in me so much as I am about to start a new chapter and struggle to find my way and path with anxiety often creeping in these days. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending my best your way and I hope things are looking up a bit since you posted this! :) XOXO

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  2. Oh dear, it sounds like it's been a rough adjustment to this newer job. I hope things are somehow improving for you! I think blogs are a great place to be able to vent a little bit. It's so hard when your work is a place that drains you. Praying it will get better or you'll get another opportunity for something that will lighten your load

    https://showstopper22.blogspot.com/

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